I know many in the Lakers Nation will read the headline and instantly think I am a moron. Shaquille O’Neal, one of the most dominant ever—a man who was the cornerstone of one of the most indomitable dynasties in NBA history—shouldn’t have his number retired by the organization he brought 3 consecutive titles to? What drugs must I be on? I assure you—I am not saying this to be contrarian. This is something I believe very deeply in.
And let me clarify—the Kobe-Shaq Lakers hold a special place in my heart. I was in middle school back then, and my mom, who is a huge Lakers/Shaq fan, indoctrinated me into Lakers fandom. My mom was a huge Shaq fan, and me, the middle school video game player, backed the young phenom with the greatest afro of his generation. The “HORRY… FOR THE WIN” game vs. the Sacramento Kings is my favorite sports moment of my life to date: and it played out in my living room with my mother.
Now, clearly, you don’t care about my sentimentality here as much as I do, (and I’m not arrogant enough to be hurt by that), but the point I’m stressing here is: Shaq provided me with just as much enjoyment as any other Lakers fan. He was, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the most physically dominating athletes I’ve ever seen in my life. However, you can throw stats at me, point to the banners hanging in the rafters of Staples Center, show me the Youtube videos, and you still won’t budge me: Shaq should not have his number retired by the Los Angeles Lakers.
Sports are great because it allows you to feel every emotion under the sun. It’s a safe place to vent emotions you can’t vent in “real life,” so to speak.
Next: Hate is a Strong Word
For example, I don’t believe in hatred. I work every day in my life to remove hatred in any form from my psyche and day-to-day mental process. When it comes to sports though? I simply can’t let it go—and worse? I refuse to. I carry too many grudges. And, since I don’t consider sports to be real life, I let the hate flow freely from me without any cognitive dissonance coming to fruition.
I hate Boston, Massachusetts and their Celtics. Nay—strike that. I DETEST the Boston Celtics. Actually, I’m not sure there is a word in the English language that could accurately describe just how much I loathe the Celtics. You know those people that are like, “Well, I hate so&so but, I respect them and the rivalry.” Screw that. I don’t have respect for the Celtics in the same way I don’t have respect for the 4 inch spider I find in my shower. It’s a pest, it’s in the way of my goal, and it must be exterminated. Same with the Celtics.
Take Red Auerbach–quite possibly the most overrated coach in the history of coaching. BUT HE WON LIKE 35 RINGS. Well guess what? He had an athlete that was about 20 years ahead of his time (during a time when “athletes” smoked cigarettes at half-time) and won a bunch of titles when places like Fort Wayne were fielding NBA teams. Red Auerbach worked his entire life building up the Celtics and trying to destroy the Lakers. And you know how I take that? Like he had worked his entire life to rob me and my mom of some of our greatest sports (and family) memories ever.
Another example? Apparently, after yesterday’s loss to the Celtics, one of the Lakers’ ball-boys asked KG for an autograph. He apparently replied, “You have a better chance of catching Osama bin Laden.” And that’s KG, a trash-talking, cheap-shot artist that truly wants no part of any big moment, so his words don’t rile me up. What riles me up? The fact that a Lakers’ ball-boy was asking somebody like Garnett for an autograph. Had he done that after Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals? Then I’d applaud the young man. But after yesterday? That kid better be on the government dole by Friday!
And before I digress further and burst a blood vessel in my brain, this brings me to Mr. Shaquille O’Neal.
Next: The Case Against the Diesel
Shaq balled for the Lakers, no doubt about it. He and Kobe both definitely handled their entire situation like assholes. (In retrospect though? I’m glad that it did go down that way, because the Lakers, if you think about it, basically traded Shaquille O’Neal for Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom, which now… looks pretty good).
The problem is, Shaq is just one of the fakest guys in the league. He’s friendly with the media, so they never kill him. He has this larger-than-life image, but really, Shaq is–quite frankly—an asshole.
Don’t get it twisted—Shaq relished in the Lakers struggles after he left. RELISHED in them. After he got his 4th ring (and thus thinking his blood feud was settled), he did his whole, “OH THE KOBE AND ME THING WAS JUST HYPE YOU KNOW, WE COOL NOW” shtick. Then when Kobe and the Lakers flamed out against the Celtics in the 2008 Finals? Shaq appears on YouTube, taunting Kobe and asking him how his backside tastes.
Think about that for a second, though. I wanted to lynch myself after the 2008 Finals–and then there’s Shaq–gleefully taunting the Lakers and relishing in their misery.
Then Kobe and the Lakers came back with two straight titles. It culminated with Kobe, soaked to the bone in champaign, eloquently reminding the world that he had one more title than Shaq.
Shaq then said he “competes with big guys and not tiny guards.” And that’s Shaq in a nutshell, compete with somebody until they beat him, and then change the parameters of the competition to begin with. Really, Shaq? You never competed with Kobe? How stupid do you think we are?
Kobe at least keeps it real and lets the chips fall where they do. Shaq is nothing more than one of the most contrived personas in the game.
Shaq always said he would never become a journeyman who chased rings. Well, I have some bad news for Shaq: that’s exactly what he is now.
Next: The Final Straw – Joining the Celtics
This summer, Shaq could’ve gone to a lot of teams. At the end of the day, he’s still 7’2” and 450 lbs. And what did that snake do? He allied himself with the Boston Celtics.
And Shaq would never admit this—but you know Kobe winning his 5th ring spurned him to join the Celtics. In his heart, he knows if he can just ride their coattails this year and stay healthy, he may be presented with the chance to defeat Kobe and the Lakers in the Finals. And don’t think Shaq doesn’t salivate at that thought.
I want you to think about that for a second, Lakers fans. Think about fat, old Shaq, soaked in champaign, waddling around the Staples Center, hugging the likes of Paul freaking Pierce, and celebrating with Boston scum? The Celtics would have just won the rubber match against the Lakers—and there might not even be an NBA season next year–so that means people like Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce would own this era.
Go on, Lakers Nation, let those images play in your mind and tell me you don’t want to vomit.
And you think Shaq wouldn’t remind Kobe that while they were tied in terms of championships won—he still beat him in their only head to head? You think Shaq is past that? You’re talking about a guy that stole a reality TV show from a guy like Steve Nash.
I can’t tolerate that. I still have nightmares about the 2008 Finals. If that apocalyptic scenario above actually played out? I’d bong four bottles of Lady Bligh rum and immediately start working on my suicide note. Actually, it wouldn’t even be a note; it’d just be a picture of Rajon Rondo hoisting the Larry O’Brien trophy with his alien hands.
Shaq has simply gone against La Familia. And if you watch Gangland like I do, you know what a cardinal sin that is! This Lakers-Celtics thing is deeper than anything Shaq can apparently comprehend. I’ll always have sympathy for him, because we were family at one point—but he made his bed on this one. He is actively helping and assisting our most hated enemy—and frankly, nobody whoever wore Celtic green (let alone finished their career there) should be allowed to have their name hung next to the likes of JERRY WEST.
(I am, however, the President of the “Derek Fisher’s #2 Should Be Retired by the Lakers” Club. Follow me on Twitter: @deathtoCLARENCE).