The Case For Shaquille O’Neal Never Having His Number Retired

This summer, Shaq could’ve gone to a lot of teams. At the end of the day, he’s still 7’2” and 450 lbs. And what did that snake do? He allied himself with the Boston Celtics.

And Shaq would never admit this—but you know Kobe winning his 5th ring spurned him to join the Celtics. In his heart, he knows if he can just ride their coattails this year and stay healthy, he may be presented with the chance to defeat Kobe and the Lakers in the Finals. And don’t think Shaq doesn’t salivate at that thought.

I want you to think about that for a second, Lakers fans. Think about fat, old Shaq, soaked in champaign, waddling around the Staples Center, hugging the likes of Paul freaking Pierce, and celebrating with Boston scum? The Celtics would have just won the rubber match against the Lakers—and there might not even be an NBA season next year–so that means people like Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce would own this era.

Go on, Lakers Nation, let those images play in your mind and tell me you don’t want to vomit.

And you think Shaq wouldn’t remind Kobe that while they were tied in terms of championships won—he still beat him in their only head to head? You think Shaq is past that? You’re talking about a guy that stole a reality TV show from a guy like Steve Nash.

I can’t tolerate that. I still have nightmares about the 2008 Finals. If that apocalyptic scenario above actually played out? I’d bong four bottles of Lady Bligh rum and immediately start working on my suicide note. Actually, it wouldn’t even be a note; it’d just be a picture of Rajon Rondo hoisting the Larry O’Brien trophy with his alien hands.

Shaq has simply gone against La Familia. And if you watch Gangland like I do,  you know what a cardinal sin that is! This Lakers-Celtics thing is deeper than anything Shaq can apparently comprehend. I’ll always have sympathy for him, because we were family at one point—but he made his bed on this one. He is actively helping and assisting our most hated enemy—and frankly, nobody whoever wore Celtic green (let alone finished their career there) should be allowed to have their name hung next to the likes of JERRY WEST.

(I am, however, the President of the “Derek Fisher’s #2 Should Be Retired by the Lakers” Club. Follow me on Twitter: @deathtoCLARENCE).

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